Duchess Camilla and Prince (not king) Charles enjoy a tea time lick on the Wellington patio. Photo collage of the upcoming royal visit.

In Honour of Royal Visit, County to Build Sidewalk Patio "The Length of Wellington"

MAY 30, 2017

WELLINGTON, ON- A Royal fever is gripping Prince Edward County. On June 30th, before heading to Ottawa for Canada Day celebrations, Prince Charles and Duchess Camilla Parker Bowles will spend a wee bit of time in Wellington browsing the local wares at the Farmer’s Market and continuing to hope for the day Charles may get to be king.


A Royal visit is a rare visit as the closest thing to a royal visit in recent County memory was a rumour that a Burger King and Dairy Queen were going to open in Picton.


So to honour the gilded tourists and piss off the locals, every parking spot in Wellington will be transformed into a giant outdoor patio constructed from pieces of Wellington’s crumbling sea wall and debris from recent flooding.


With no more parking available on Wellington Main Street, people will be forced to park on a side street and walk for up to two minutes. Seniors will be permitted to camp out on the sidewalk overnight in cases where it takes more than one day to get back to their vehicles.


Given the Royals’ interest in climate change, as they browse along the patio boardwalk they will be greeted by vendors of things that melt, like ice cream, chocolate, and housing markets.


Further, as a practical souvenir of their visit to the flood-soaked County, the Prince who may never be king and the Duchess will each be furnished with a pair of Wellingtons. 

In a related story, after hearing the news of the Royal British Invasion, Wellington locals who pre-date the Drake have holed up in the Foodland plotting a WEXIT.